You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
