she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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