I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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