So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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