Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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