I must be too annoying 4 u.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Every concussion has its silver lining
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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