'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
