I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
