I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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