On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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