I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
