Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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