so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
