If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
