i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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