I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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