wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
