The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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