i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize