oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I will be naked everywhere
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
