Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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