Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
