im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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