I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
