Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
