the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
