I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
