My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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