If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
