I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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