Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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