Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
