I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
