I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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