If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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