dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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