every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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