need another drink. this is the easiest way
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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