you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
