I want to walk on stilts...naked
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
