We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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