I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
