My liver just broke up with me...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
