when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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