Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
