His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize