It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
