We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I have aggressive nipples.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
