she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
