dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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