i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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