And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
