I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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