I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
