Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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