she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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