Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
