google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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