I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
