You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
