i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
