dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
