A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
