Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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