The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
