There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize